It happened again this morning. I found myself yelling at my kids. I know, I know….full-time missionaries aren’t supposed to yell at their kids (not sure who said that but it sure is the lie Satan tells me). I had a million things on my to-do list. Ed was hurrying out the door and unable to help. Two kids were bickering and pushing and biting and who knows what else. One kid was sassing and talking back and having major attitude because they didn’t want to do their “school work.” I felt like everyone and everything was in my way and not cooperating and didn’t they know I had stuff to do. And so I did it. I yelled. At everyone. And then, the perfectionist, wanting-to-love-them-like-Jesus-does, momma inside of me felt so guilty.
With only a week and a half of school, I want to savor the days with them. When I think that next year my oldest will turn 9 which is half-way to adulthood, it makes me so very sad. The saying “The days are long but the years are short is so very, very true” but somehow I tend to forget that over and over and over. I want to focus on being present with them, cuddling and reading and talking and playing. I want to parent to their heart instead of responding according to what is easiest and quickest to get the issue over with. I want to really disciple them like Jesus has called me to do instead of treating them like they are just one more task in my already busy day. But it is hard. So very hard. This parenting thing is not for the faint of heart and is so very, very sanctifying.
I have to remember that there will be times when things go really smooth and I look over at them playing all calmly together and think “my cup is overflowing with thankfulness for these little blessings” but then there will be other times when lunch doesn’t get fixed until 12:30 because we had two kids who needed to be disciplined, another who spilled the cup of water left on the table, and another who just didn’t quite make it to the potty causing a river to clean up (true story for our lives just today). And its okay. Things will get done. I will stop running a marathon and sweating and be able to eat lunch before 4. And things may not get done on my to-do list. And its all okay. This is a season that I need to savor no matter what the day brings instead of wishing it all away.
These are the things I am praying, pondering, and trusting Jesus for today.