Broken.

I really struggled with whether I should write this post.  It is deeply personal and I am deeply emotional (the pregnancy hormones DO NOT help).  But, I know the Lord has given me a story for a reason and I pray that the Lord uses it, and these girls’ stories, for His glory.  So please bear with me through all the emotions and I pray that the Lord uses this post to encourage you today.

I was on Facebook today and I came across this video:

Beautiful Sacrifice – 4 Boyfriends Lay Down Their Lives For Their Girlfriends in the Movie Shooting from sharethemessage on GodTube.

While this is enough to make anyone cry, I really resonated with what they said.  Especially the first girl, Amanda, when she describes herself as broken.  Because I have been there.  I know how she is hurting.  I know how much she just wants to see Alex one more time and would do anything to bring him back.

If you don’t know my faith story, let me share one part of it with you.  When I was a senior in high school, a guy I was dating got killed when he was hit by a car.  His name was Anthony.  He wasn’t a believer in Christ, but I was, and with everything in me, I was trying to get him to church and to trust the Lord with his life.  When he died, I got angry with the Lord for letting it happen and walked away from Him, meaning that I didn’t want to go to church, to be around other believers, or to do things that pleased the Lord.  I was broken.  I was hurting.  I was angry, with no one to be angry at except the Lord.  I was so desperate to have one more conversation with him, one more kiss, one more moment in time with him.  I eventually reached a point, or a series of points years later, where I came to realize that the Lord was the only one who could heal my hurt and I had to be willing to trust Him with my life, even if I didn’t always understand why He allows things to happen like He does.

Why does the Lord allow a person walk into a theater and kill 12 innocent people who were just there to watch a movie?  Why does the Lord allow some people to get cancer and not be able to survive?  Why does the Lord allow award winning athletes to break their back and become confined to a wheelchair for the rest of their lives?  Why does the Lord allow babies to be born with birth deficiencies that will lead them to never be able to live lives where they are independent, able to get married, and/or have children of their own?

The bottom line is that I don’t know but it doesn’t matter.  We are all a bunch of flawed human beings living in an imperfect world.  Sin exists and always will until Christ returns.  We are all on a spiritual journey where the end result isn’t a desired goal or our happiness, but spending eternity with Jesus.  Because Jesus came, died, and rose again, we can wait with hope.  “Waiting, for the believer, is not the futile and desperate act of those who have no other options, but rather a confident trust that eventually God will set things right.” (Laying My Isaac Down by Carol Kent)  God will make things right and one day, there will be no more pain, suffering, or having to ask “Why?”.  How I long for that day with everything in me.

Until that day, I am privileged to carry His banner and demonstrate to the world that they can make it too.  How I wish I could hug these girls’ necks and tell them that.  That is why God gives us stories.  All of our heartaches produce great sadness and telling our stories to each other brings a release, a comfort and the knowledge that somebody cares.  This is my prayer with this story the Lord has given me.  I can be real and honest about how I have good days and how I have bad days.  How you never forget, but it does get easier.  How you “can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor 1:3-5).  Please come soon Lord, but while we are waiting, bring beauty from the ashes, in our lives and in the lives of others.

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